From Sarah Vowell, writing an Op-Ed for the NYTimes, The Speech the President Should Give
The president would sit behind his Oval Office desk, stare into a TV camera and say: "My fellow Americans, good evening. As if that's possible.
"We are a divided people, but let us celebrate what we have in common. We don't all worship the same god. Some of us do not believe in a god at all. But the good news is that, thanks to me, we all now believe in the Apocalypse. You're welcome."...
The speech goes on for hours, pre-empting Conan. There are long tangents about mercury levels, under-armored military vehicles and war profiteering. Finally, losing his voice, he hoarsely ends his diatribe in the middle of the night, whispering "sweet dreams" while putting air quotes around the word "sweet."